The Many Trials of Kendall Knight
by ObsessedwithDannyPhantom
Summary: One night changes Kendall forever. Hurt and broken, he pushes everyone away when he needs them the most. But when the trials he has to face become too much, he will need all the help he can get. Will he ever be whole again? Rape/Mpreg
1. Chapter 1

AN: So this is a story I've been working on for a while and just now decided I had enough finished to start posting it. I don't understand how some writers on here write because they're like I don't know what to do next or give me ideas. For me when I write I have the entire story planned out and I start writing at random parts and never in chronological order at all. I usually have no idea what the plot is when I come up with an idea, I usually write a story around one single scene or moment ever.

So Yeah that's just my random thoughts on how I write. I feel like I have this story planned and partial written enough to keep up. I hope you like it. There is a lot of darker themes and depression but nothing too graphic. It is Kendall centered and Mpreg. Cuz I've become obsessed. On this site no one deeply tortures Kendall enough so I felt the need to. Everyone seems to write the same kind of stories so I'm trying to make mine a little different. Of course people usually come up with ideas like mine around the same time so If I look like a copy cat, I'm not. I've been writing this story 5 months. Word can prove it too.

* * *

Tri·al-A state of pain or anguish that tests patience, endurance, or belief

For Kendall, everything in his life was perfect. He had a perfect girlfriend, a wonderful family and three best friends who he got to travel the world with. He felt like he was on top of the world. But when you're up that high, life has a way of knocking you to the bottom. For Kendall, his struggle to free himself from the ruble starts now.

* * *

"Hey Jo. Yeah we just finished soundcheck." Kendall said talking to his girlfriend on the phone. It had been a long three months but they were down to the last night of tour. Almost 50 cities later and Kendall was just ready to be home with his mom, sister and girlfriend. Being crammed in the bus with his friends for so long was driving him crazy. And frankly they were all driving each other crazy.

"Carlos giving it back." James shouted, running through the backstage lounge after Carlos who was clutching James' lucky comb in his hands. Carlos dove onto the couch and tried to hide behind Kendall.

"Help me, Kendall. He's going to kill me." Carlos cried.

Kendall groaned. He just wanted to talk to Jo for 5 minutes before the concert started. "Enough you guys!" he shouted frustrated. "Can't you stop fighting for 5 minutes? I'm sick of having to break you two up. The tour is almost over. Just stop fighting for 1 night and leave me alone."

"Someone's cranky." Logan said looking up from his laptop. Only Logan would be taking extra online classes during the summer while they were on tour.

"Yeah, take a chill pill, Kendall." James said stealing his comb back from Carlos.

"Ugg I'm going out to the bus to talk to Jo and get my jacket. Don't follow me." Kendall said storming out of the room and putting his phone back to his ear. "Sorry Jo…"

As requested, James and Carlos did not follow Kendall out to the bus, giving Kendall some quiet time to talk to Jo.

Slamming the back door to the venue open, Kendall made the trek across the parking lot to the bus.

"I love you." Kendall told Jo as their phone call came to an end. Kendall was enjoying his quiet time alone on the bus and was sad to see it had to end. "I need to get back inside; the concert is going to be starting soon."

"Go rock it." Jo told him. "I love you too. See you tomorrow."

"Bye." Kendall said hanging up the phone and grabbing him jacket off the couch next to him.

He turned off the lights on the bus and opened the door to get off when a bright light was pointed at him. Covering his eyes, he tried to make out the figure behind the light. Lowering his flashlight, Kendall saw it was one of the venue's security guards. Kendall had seen him around the venue all day during set-up and sound check. He was a little taller then Kendall with short dark hair. He didn't look over 30.

"Can I help you?" Kendall asked.

"I heard something on the bus and I came to make sure everything was ok." The security guard said, getting straight to business.

"It's alright. It's just me." Kendall said trying to push past him off the bus.

"No. I think I heard something else in the back of the bus." He said boarding the bus forcing Kendall to retreat back onto the bus.

The guard kept walk towards the back of the bus, blocking Kendall's path to the exit. Giving in, Kendall led the way to the back of the bus.

"See nothing is in here." Kendall said turning on the light in the back lounge.

"Humm. I guess you're right." The guard said looking casually around the room, not really caring at what was going on in the bus. His attention was more on Kendall than anything.

"Look I have a concert to attend to if you could just excuse me…" Kendall started to say, looking down to avoid eye contact with the guard's creepy stare. This was when he noticed the average looking security guard was carrying a gun. What kind of security guard carries a fully loaded gun? This got Kendall's heart racing. There was something off about this guy.

"You're kinda cute, you know that?" The man in the uniform said.

With this Kendall's heart dropped into his stomach. This guy was a major creeper. Stuttering, Kendall couldn't get words to come out of his mouth.

"You know that right? I've been watching you all day just strutting around here like you own the place. You think you're such hot stuff. I'm glad you came out here so we could spend some time alone so I can show you that you're not." He said physically pushing Kendall towards the couch.

"No don't touch me…" Kendall stuttered trying to get away but it became apparent to that this guy was a lot stronger than him.

The man saw Kendall eye the gun again. "Yeah I know you see it. Don't make me use it on you."

"What do you want from me?" Kendall stuttered nervously, still struggling to get away.

"Just to have some fun, blondie." The man said creepily, pushing Kendall onto the couch. He ran his hand gently up Kendall's leg. The horrified expression on Kendall's face showed that he was uncomfortable.

"What?" The man laughed. "You don't like this, blondie? I don't believe that at all. You want this." He whispered into Kendall's ear.

Struggling, Kendall turned his head to avoid the man's horrid breath.

"Don't be like that." The man said, undoing Kendall's belt. "You want this and I'm the only one who will give it to you. Because after I'm done with you, no one will want you."

Tears streamed down Kendall's face. He had given up fighting back

* * *

AN: So there's chapter one and I kind of just decided to just right into the the plot because I didn't want this long, drawn out, vague beginning and I had nothing else to say so I just decided to start there. Make things interesting right off the bat. That is the end of this scene. I really didn't want to get too graphic with this so sorry If you wanted that.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

When Kendall awoke, he was still crying. Laying in the back lounge of the dark bus, he was in so much pain. The insides of his legs were sore and sticky. His throat ached from sobbing. He laid there naked and continued to cry. He took his mind so long to put it together that he had just been raped. Composing himself, Kendall's thoughts raced about what would happen now. What would people think if they found out?

"They would see the truth." Kendall thought.

That he was worthless and disgusting. That he wanted it. That he deserved it. No. No one could know. He couldn't let that happen. Listening Kendall could hear the bus was quiet. No one was there. Which means no one heard what happened. Pushing himself off the couch, he stood up and tried to locate his clothes. His friends where probably getting ready to start the concert soon.

The concert! It was the last one of the tour. Gustavo swore on their heads if it wasn't the best concert they had ever done they would all be done for. A lot of important people were coming to watch this concert and their sponsorships would determine if and when they had a next tour. Kendall's eyes darted to the clock near the T.V. 9:02. It was supposed to start 2 whole minutes ago. Pulling his pants on over his sore sticky legs, Kendall raced out of the bus only stopping for a second to compose himself. Maybe if he tried to act like nothing was wrong, no one would find out.

He was halfway to the back door when he heard the intro music begin to play. He was late! They were going to start without him. Throwing the door open he ran to the stage door where Gustavo was throwing a fit. Kendall swore his eyes were going to pop out of his head when Gustavo spotted him.

"You!" He shouted angrily pointing at Kendall. "Where the hell have you been? We have been looking everywhere for you. What did I tell you dogs before? You can't screw this concert up." Kelly pulls Gustavo away as he screams profanities. Meanwhile the opening song had already started and James, Logan and Carlos where already on stage without Kendall. One of the production assistants rushed over to Kendall and was wiring the mic to him. Kendall cringed and tears formed in his eyes as the PA ran his hand up Kendall shirt to connect the wire to his earphones. Kendall stood frozen and stiff the entire time. He wanted to scream. It was all a blur as Kendall was forced on stage halfway through the second verse. Taking a deep breath, Kendall put his walls up. Acting like nothing was wrong, he quickly joined in singing and dancing alone with his friends. Staring at the back wall of the stadium, he avoided eye contact with everyone. The fans that were screaming his name, Logan and Carlos, who had looks of worry on their faces and James, who's glare could've killed. Kendall ignored all of it and just did what he knew how to do. Dance and sing. Robotically, he went through the motions of the concert, trying to pretend he wasn't broken.

It was probably the longest concert of Kendall's life. Every step he took hurt. Every note he sang felt like a lie. Every second he was one step closer to breaking down. But he kept on pushing through. He kept going.

It seemed like forever but soon the final words were sung. The final bows were taken. And Kendall was off the stage before the lights were dimmed. Ripping the mic and wires off his clothes, he shoved them into the hands of the PA.

"Kendall. What the hell?" James shouted, running after him once he was off the stage.

Kendall ignored his and kept walking past a concerned Carlos, Logan and Kelly and a VERY pissed of Gustavo.

"Kendall." James said grabbing his shoulder once he caught up with him.

Kendall spun around and threw James's hand off his shoulder, cringing on the inside because of James's touch.

"Where the heck were you?" James asked angrily. "We looked everywhere for you. You almost ruined this concert."

"None of your fucking business." Kendall retorted angrily. James seemed a little taken back by this. Even though they did fight sometimes, the four friends never acted like that towards each other. "Just leave me alone." Kendall stormed off leaving an angry and confused James in his wake.

He turned down a hallway and ran full speed once he was out of sight from James. The arena they played at was probably one of the largest of the tour. During sport seasons, it was used for basketball and hockey games, so it was no surprise to Kendall when he ended up in a locker room. Seeing there was a large community shower, Kendall barricaded the door and stripped all his clothes off.

"It's a good thing I wore all black pants tonight." Kendall mussed to himself as he saw the dried blood that covered his inner thighs. He turned the water on full blast and let the room fill with steam. Stepping in the stream of hot water, Kendall stood and let the water run over him. How did everything become so fucked up in one night? Frantically scrubbing himself, Kendall just wanted to be clean. No matter how hard he scrubbed, he didn't feel clean. It wasn't until he made himself bleed from scrubbing so hard that Kendall dropped the soap and collapsed to the ground. Lying naked in the stream of the shower, Kendall cried. He cried hard then he ever had in his life. He cried until there was no more tear left to shed. He laid in silence, the water beating down on his broken body, wondering if he would ever feel whole again.

He once heard someone say "Just because you're hurt, doesn't mean you're broken." At this moment Kendall felt that did not apply to him. He was completely broken into a million little pieces.

* * *

AN: So there's the second chapter. I hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who faved and reviewed. I'm not one to beg for reviews (I HATE when people for that) so If you have something to say, great. If not, Thank you so much for reading anyways! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Once Kendall managed to pull himself off the ground and put his stained clothes back on, he wandered the stadium, wondering where everyone was. Entering the green room, he saw everything was packed, all the VIP visitors were gone and the buses were almost loaded. The only ones left in the room were the three remaining BTR members and Gustavo and Kelly.

James looked up and saw him enter the room. "Well you missed the meet and greet too." James hissed. "Just another thing you managed to screw up. Do you know how many girls were disappointed you weren't there?"

Kendall hung his head in shame. His heart ached knowing he let down the people that meant the most to him. His friends, James, Carlos and Logan, and the fans, who had given them the chance to live their dreams. "Whatever, James." Kendall retorted angrily, putting his walls up. He couldn't let his guard down or his friends might see the real him. If he had to piss them off in the process by acting careless, that's how it would have to be.

"You guys, it's been a long tour and we still have a long drive home if we're going to make it to LA by morning. The tour's over, lets all just go home." Kelly said, acting as peacekeeper. Sure she was upset at Kendall too, but she was ready to go home just as much as they were.

James got up from the couch with his bags and coldly left he room, not looking Kendall in the eyes. Carlos and Logan followed James to the bus and Kendall took up the rear. Once they boarded, they milled around the cramped space, getting ready to sleep, longing for their own beds. Kendall tossed his backpack on his bunk and dug through his clothes for some clean ones.

"Hey." Logan said putting his hand on Kendall's shoulder. "Are you ok?" He asked, seeing through Kendall's mask. He knew Kendall wasn't acting like a jerk just to be a jerk. It was more than that.

"I'm fine." Kendall said, pulling away from Logan's grasp. "I need to go shower."

"Didn't you shower at the venue?" Logan asked suspiciously, staring at Kendall's wet hair.

"What do you care?" Kendall said entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

Logan sighed and turned back towards Carlos. Carlos was sitting on one of the couches, holding a pillow in his lap, while James was nowhere in sight. He was probably already in his bunk, trying to sleep. Logan didn't understand what happened to cause his two friends to blow up on each other like that, leaving Logan and Carlos stuck in between. Logan sat down next to Carlos and wrapped his arm around him.

"It's alright." Logan reassured him when he saw the look of concern on his face. "Everything is going to be fine. They're just tired."

* * *

AN: Sorry this took forever. And isn't very long. I have more of the story written I just need to work on some fill-in chapters. My motivation for this story kinda died a little due to the fact that I became obsessed with another fandom. Big Time Rush is kinda in the back of my mind right now. But I'm sure once I get more new episodes and the Big Time Summer Tour my obsession will be back. I'm just temporarily distracted. GRR Loki Laufeyson why do you have to be so dam attractive?


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I know I uploaded this fast. The next chapter or two will take a little while because I've got to catch up on writing the fill in chapters.

* * *

Chapter 4

Just as Kelly had hoped they made it back to LA by morning. The four boys were ready to jump off the bus before it even pulled into the parking lot. Trudging through the parking lot with their bag, the four boys just wanted to be home. The tension on the bus that night between Kendall and James was almost unbearable. And poor Logan and Carlos were caught in the middle of it, unsure of what even happened to cause their fight.

Kendall was a wreck as he stumbled off the bus. He didn't sleep a wink the whole night on the bus. Lying awake in his bunk the whole night, his mind wouldn't stop replaying the events that happened over and over and over again. As much as he wanted to breakdown screaming and crying, he stayed quiet so he didn't alert his friends of the pain he was going through.

Kendall was the last one to enter the lobby of the Palmwood, following close behind Logan and Carlos. James had taken off the second the doors to the bus opened and was already in the elevator with his stuff. The lobby was relatively quiet seeing as it was still early in the day. Kendall wasn't surprised to see Camille dart across the lobby and jump on Logan the second he entered. When he was going to bed, he saw Logan texting someone non-stop. He had guessed it was her. What he didn't expect was to see Jo following right behind her. In all the events that had happened, Jo was the last thing on his mind. He couldn't let her know. His heart started racing as she approached him.

"Kendall, I missed you so much." She said excitedly rushing over to him. Kendall stood firm, not putting down his luggage to great her like Logan did with Camille.

"Hey." Kendall grunted as Jo followed him to the elevator.

"Hey are you alright?" Jo said staring deep into Kendall's eyes. Of course she would notice he wasn't alright.

Masking his hurt with anger, Kendall snapped. "I'm fine. I'm just tired. Look I'll talk to you later." And with that Kendall entered the elevator, not looking her in the eyes as the doors shut.

When they got to the apartment, Kendall's mom threw her arms around every one of them, giving them kisses on the cheek. Kendall was the last one she greeted. Hugging him tightly, she gave him a big kiss on the cheek. Kendall clenched his teeth and stiffly allowed his mother to hug him. He loved his mom, he really did. He wasn't embarrassed giving her a hug or getting kiss from her. But now, his scars are preventing him from feeling comfortable around even his own mother. Instantly, her motherly instincts kicked in and she sensed something was wrong.

"Hey are you alright?" His mom asked pulling away from him. Logan, Carlos and James, who were being greeted by Katie, all silently listen to the conversation.

"I'm fine." Kendall said pushing past her and heading upstairs to his room with his bags.

Mrs. Knight gave the other three boys a questioning look. This wasn't like her son.

Logan sighed. "We don't know what's up with him. He's been acting weird since yesterday."

Mrs. Knight stared at the hallway that Kendall disappeared down. Something was not right with here son.

* * *

AN: This is a shorter chapter too. I should've just combine it with that last one. I'll have longer ones soon.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: WHOO HOO! Another chapter. This only took forever. I'm still working on the fill in chapters before we get to more excitement. I've gotten back into serious writing so I'll hopefully update fast next time.

* * *

Chapter 5

"I've missed this pool so much!" Carlos shouted running out of the lobby into the pool area followed by James, Logan and lastly Kendall. They had a few days off after the tour was over before school and rehearsals started again, so the boys took the first opportunity they could to go to the pool. Kendall agreed to go with his friends despite James' anger towards him. He was doing his best to keep it together and act like nothing was wrong. He even agreed to meet Jo at the pool.

When they arrived at the pool, Kendall saw Jo already sitting on his favorite lounge chair, dressed in a tiny soft pink bikini. Putting on a smile, he approached his girlfriend and sat down next to her.

"There you are." Jo said pulling him into a short kiss. "I've missed you so much."

"Me too." Kendall said. It was the honest truth. He did miss her. He only wished things could be the same between them. Only she didn't know that anything was wrong.

"I was worried about you the other day." Jo said concerned, referring to her greeting when he got off the bus.

"Yeah sorry." Kendall quickly apologized not wanting to expand on the subject. "Hey wanna go swim?" Kendall said changing the subject. He didn't want her to starting getting cuddly and romantic. He couldn't handle it.

"Um sure." Jo said confused. They didn't ever really swim in the pool when they were together. Pool games were usually reserved for his friends. Jo loved to just lay together in the sun and drink smoothies together. Kendall got up and joined his friends in the pool, followed by Jo.

Half-heartedly, he attempted to join in their games. Even James had let up his attitude towards Kendall and was enjoying his company. The amount of people at the crowded pool was making Kendall uncomfortable, but Kendall kept his brave face. They played for a little while before Kendall's anxiety became too much.

"Hey I'm going to get out now." He told Jo, trying to be a good boyfriend and include her in what he was doing.

"Ok." Jo said following him as he got out of the pool and moved his towel to a secluded lounge chair in the corner of the pool in the shade. Kendall sat down on the chair and rested his elbows on his knees. Staring down at his feet, he breathed heavily, trying to control his emotions. The sheer amount of people near him was becoming too much.

"Hey are you ok?" Jo asked softly, noticing something was off about him again.

"What?" Kendall asked looking up. "Oh yeah I'm fine." He gave her a soft smile.

"You sure? You look pale." She observed.

"Really, I'm just tired." He insisted.

"You really don't look ok. You know you can tell me anything right?" She said, placing a hand on Kendall's thigh and rubbed in gently.

Jo's touch sent Kendall over the edge. Flashbacks plagued his mind and instantly his shields went up.

"I'm fine, ok?" Kendall shouted defensive, jumping up from chair. "Seriously, just back off." And by that he meant literally back off. She had become too close for Kendall to be comfortable with, her touch reminding him of the terrible night.

"What is your problem?" Jo asked angrily. This is the second time her boyfriend had snapped at her since he'd gotten home from tour. Normally, Jo would have guessed she did something wrong but she hadn't seen him in months so why was Kendall so angry with her?

"You're my problem." Kendall argued. "You're so suffocating. I need space."

"Kendall, I haven't seen you in months!" She exclaimed confused. "There's been nothing but space between us. I just want to spend time with you. I feel like I don't even know you."

"And there you go again being pushy."

"Whatever Kendall." Jo said picking up her bag and storming off.

Camille, James, Carlos and Logan saw the fight from the pool where they were enjoying themselves. Camille jumped out and followed after her best friend, while the guys just stared at Kendall. Kendall quickly left the pool, unable to be around people any longer.

Storming into the locker room adjacent to the pool, Kendall found it to be empty, much to his relief. Throwing open the door to the nearest stall, Kendall knelt down in front of the toilet and began puking. Kendall threw up the little food he had in his stomach and dry heaving into the toilet for another 10 minutes. Once he was done, he sat down on the dirty, wet bathroom floor and leaned his head against the wall. His anxiety levels were through the roof and his whole body was shaking.

One touch. That was all it took to send Kendall over the edge. For the second time that week Kendall found himself sobbing on the floor of the bathroom. Hard sobs wracked his body as he lay his head down on the cold wet tile. He wondered if he would ever be whole again.

* * *

AN: Just a quick little note. To all those people who want me to write something or don't want something to happen in my story, I write a story because I have a certain plot or idea in mind. I'm not going to change a story just because you want me to. This is how I do things. I don't just randomly come up with ideas as I write a chapter. All my stories are planned out. BUT thanks to everyone who likes it!  
I'm glad you enjoy it!


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Sorry this is a short chapter but I'll be uploading as much as I can. It's hard with school and work. But for your enjoyment this chapter contains major Kames drama. Fun stuff man.

* * *

The Many Trials of Kendall Knight

Chapter 6

"Kendall, open the door!" James shouted pounding on the bathroom door. It was almost time to leave for school and Kendall had occupied the bathroom for most of the morning. The fact that James at this point had no time to fix his hair was aggravating him.

Kendall groaned at James complaining and flopped down onto the ground. The entire time he was in the bathroom consisted of him dry heaving into the toilet. He felt sick but there was nothing in his stomach to throw up. Sitting on the ground, he found it easy to ignore James. His mind was in another place.

"_You're worthless. No one will ever love you. You don't deserve to be alive."_

The words that echoed through his head were not all from his tormenter. He had been scarred so deep that his mind was staring to create its own theories.

"_You don't deserve to eat. Why do you even have friends? You are worth nothing."_

Grabbing his hair, Kendall squeezed his eyes shut, silently begging for it to stop. But his mind kept going.

"Kendall, you're so stupid. Just open the door." Only this time the voice wasn't in Kendall's head. It came from outside of the door. Hopeful that he was done attempting to throw up, Kendall stood up and slammed the door open.

"God James. Do you have to be such a little princess all the time?" Kendall shouted at him.

"I need to do my hair! What were you even doing in there?" James shouted.

"It's none of your dam business!" Kendall retorted, the fight beginning to escalade.

"Fine. Like I care. Just move so I can use the bathroom." James said trying to push past Kendall.

"Make me, jerk." Kendall said crossing his arms in front of him.

"Kendall, James. Knock it off! You two need to get ready for school!" Mrs. Knight said from the sink where she was washing dishes. She was shocked at her son's behavior. Sure James wasn't responding well ether, but Kendall was obviously the one who started it. Ever since he had gotten home from tour his attitude had been the worst she'd ever seen. He was moody and irritated all the time. He had no interest in his old hobbies. She never saw him with his friends. She hoped he was just overtired and stressed. It had only been a week and she assumed it was probably tough for the boys to fall back into their old schedule.

After being yelled at, Kendall let up and stepped aside just enough for James to get by. "Asshole." James whispered as he pushed past him and slammed the door shut.

Kendall stormed out of the kitchen only to be stopped by his mother. "Ok what was that?" His mom asked him.

"What?" Kendall retorted, still peeved.

"I get it that you're boys and you fight but that was unacceptable and rude. What has gotten into you?" She asked.

"Nothing. Now I have to go." Kendall said trying to leave again but his mom stopped him.

"You sounding like you were throwing up. Are you sick, baby?" His mom asked, her motherly instincts outweighing her anger.

"No I'm not sick, there's nothing wrong. I'm fine. Now I have to go." Kendall said storming up the stairs to his room.

* * *

AN: Wow that was super short. I decided to split this chapter into two because it was going to be super long so i decided this would be a good place to end. The next one will be uploaded fast.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Just a quick note _"italics like this"_ are thoughts, not actually spoken out loud.

* * *

Chapter 7

Once the 4 friends were finally dressed, they made their way down to the Palmwoods School. Still angry at Kendall, James sat on one side of the class room while Kendall resided in the back corner all alone. Walking downstairs that morning, Logan and Carlos could sense the hostility between their two friends. They were confused at what caused it this time but they knew better than to push them while they were angry. When they arrived at the classroom and saw Kendall and James seating decisions, they were stuck in between a rock and a hard place. The four boys always sat together during school. Unsure of what to do, Logan found a seat near Camille. Carlos tagged along with Logan, awkwardly sitting in the seat behind the couple. He didn't understand why his friends were so mad at each other but he did know he didn't like the new seating arrangement. He wanted to sit with all his friends again.

"Kendall we need to talk." Jo said approaching the desk that Kendall was sitting at. Class was over and Kendall was throwing his unread books and blank papers into his backpack.

"About what?" Kendall said not looking up at her.

"You know what." Jo said annoyed. "What happened at the pool the other day? What on earth did I do?"

"_Nothing."_ Kendall thought_. "You're a perfect and wonderful girlfriend. I don't deserve you." _

"It's not always about you." Kendall said coldly, when it was in fact the truth. She didn't do anything. It wasn't her fault. Kendall hated redirecting his pain and anger to his girlfriend, but it was the only way.

"Whatever Kendall. I just don't understand why you're being such a jerk." Jo angrily.

Kendall ignored her comment and picked up his backpack, leaving his girlfriend standing alone. Across the room, Kendall's friends had been silently listening to his conversation, wondering why he was been so rude to his girlfriend.

"I'm only been a jerk so that you won't see how disgusting I am." Kendall thought sadly to himself as he ran up the stairs to the apartment. He'd rather everyone think he was a jerk than know the truth.

Kendall got back to the apartment and flopped down on the couch. It wasn't long before his phone started to ring. Picking it up, he saw it was Jo. He wasn't surprised.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Seriously Kendall what is wrong? What did I do to piss you off? You've only been home a week, I haven't seen you in months before that. What is wrong?" Jo said furious. "Kendall I love you and I care about you. Why do you keep pushing me away?" She said softly.

It broke Kendall's heart when she said that. Despite his horrible behavior towards her, she still cared about him. He didn't want to hurt her, but he knew the truth would hurt more. No one could know. He couldn't risk it.

"Jo we're over." Kendall said.

"W-what?" Jo said her voice shaking.

"I'm done. I'm breaking up with you." Kendall said.

"Kendall, please tell me. What did I do?" Jo said. Kendall could tell from her voice she was crying now.

"Everything. You're being so pushy and annoying. I can't take it." Kendall snapped. _"Because you might find out the truth."_

"Can we please try to work this out?" Jo begged. "I really thought we had something."

"I'm sorry Jo. I'm done." Kendall said after taking a deep breath. "Goodbye."

Hanging up the phone, Kendall looked up to see his three friends standing at the door with shocked looks on their faces. They had heard everything.

"Kendall what happened?" Logan asked, speaking up.

"None of your business." Kendall said storming up to his room, leaving his three friends.

James rolled his eyes. "Kendall's a jerk, that's what happened." He said angrily before leaving the apartment too.

Carlos turned to his only remaining friend in the room. "It's not getting any better Logan."

Logan sighed. He didn't know what happened to disturb the brotherhood between his two taller friends but he was desperate to find out why.

Upstairs Kendall found himself locked in the bathroom, sitting in the bathtub. He stared down at the plastic razor in his hand. He needed an escape, relief from his pain. Life was becoming too much; he didn't know how to cope. Breaking apart the plastic razor, Kendall looked at the shiny blade down in his hand. The florescent light that illuminated the bathroom reflected off the smooth surface, drawing Kendall to it. Gripping the blade with his thumb and index finger, he drug the sharp object across his bare forearm. Finally, he felt relief.


	8. Chapter 8

AN:Sorry this is short and just a filler chapter. I feel like I needed more content before we got to the real drama in the next chapter. It will be up really soon I swear!

* * *

Chapter 8

"Stop. Stop. Stop!" Gustavo shouted into the microphone at the four boys in the booth. "What was that?"

"Umm singing." James retorted with his usual attitude.

"No it wasn't and I wasn't even talking to you!" Gustavo shouted at the pretty boy. "Kendall, that was TERRIBLE! Get your act together or so help me. There are thousands of talented singers in this city alone what I could easily replace you with and then I wouldn't have to deal with your attitude and talking back and TERRIBLE SINGING! Gustavo shouted loud enough to cause the other three boys to rip their headphones off. Kendall remained in the corner of the booth with the headphones on, welcoming the criticism. Gustavo was right after all. He didn't deserve this. He wasn't talented or special. He didn't deserve to be in this band.

Looking up from the ground his green eyes met Gustavo and Kelly's from underneath his oversized hoodie. "Well fine. Get one of them then. I'm done with your shit." And with that he dropped the headphones on the ground and walked out of the booth and out the door.

Gustavo slammed his fists down on the table and screamed. "Fine! I'm done with you too! Consider yourself replaced. You'll never work in this town again."

Kelly put her hand on Gustavo's shoulder. "You need to calm down. You know this band doesn't work without all four of the boys. I told you this was putting them back to work too soon. They're stressed. They need time off."

"No. There is too much work to do. Get the other dog back in here now." Gustavo shouted.

"I thought Kendall was out of the band." Carlos questioned confused. Up until this point the three other boys remained silent in the booth.

"He is!" Gustavo shouted.

"Boys go home." Kelly said into the mic. "Gustavo is going to give you some time off."

The three boys looked expectantly at Gustavo. "Fine." He grumbled.

"Thank you." The three remaining boys said softly, leaving the booth.

* * *

AN: And that was way too short. Sorry. The next chapter will be up soon. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: SOrrryy! I went on vacation to Colorado to visit my family and I was sure I was going to have plenty of time to update and write but nooo my laptop doesn't connect to internet if I'm not at home so sorry this took so long.

* * *

Chapter 9

It was a beautiful day outside and the boys finally had a day off. It was one of the few days they've had off since the tour ended almost a month ago. They had been so busy with the new school year starting and promotion and work on their new album. The three boys thanked god Kelly forced Gustavo to give them time off. They needed it.

"Let's go to the beach." Logan suggested. Logan, James and Carlos had just woken up and were hanging in the living room after breakfast.

"I'm down." James replied.

"I'll wake up Kendall!" Carlos said excitedly, jumping off the couch. Kendall had been so distant lately; Carlos hoped maybe today he would finally hang out with them.

"No. We'll go without him." James demanded.

"James, I know you and Kendall haven't been on the best of terms but have you noticed how off he's been lately? Something's wrong with him. We need to find out what it is." Logan said.

James gave Logan a look and then sighed. "Fine, we'll go get him."

With that Carlos excitedly bound up the stairs followed slowly by James and Logan.

Kendall tossed and turned in his bed. He was having another nightmare. Carlos entered the room to wake Kendall up when he noticed that he was dripping sweat. Carlos ran to Kendall's bedside and kneeled next to him.

"Kendall, wake up." Carlos said shaking his shoulder. "It's ok. It's just a dream."

Unaware of whose hand was on his shoulder, Kendall shot up in bed, striking out his "attacker". "Let go of me!" He shouted unaware that it was his best friend next to him and not his rapist. It took him a second to come out of his daja vu nightmare and to realize Carlos sitting on the floor, holding his mouth.

Hearing all the commotion coming from the bedroom, James and Logan ran into the room to see what was going on.

"What did you do?" James hissed, staring at Kendall like he was a monster. Kendall just dropped his gaze to the ground unable to answer his possibly former best friend's question.

Logan kneeled down next to Carlos who was still on the ground. "Are you ok?"

Carlos removed his hand from his mouth. "Yeah I'm fine. He didn't hit me that hard."

Logan and James just glared at Kendall, who was at a loss for words. He knew it was his fault. Sorry wasn't enough for hurting his best friend.

"Guys don't be mad at him." Carlos begged, noticing his friend's expressions. "It wasn't his fault. He was having a nightmare again."

"Again?" Logan questioned. "How often has he had nightmares?" He asked Carlos, seeing as the two boys shared a room.

"Well Kendall." James butted in with an angry tone. Kendall looked up at James with tears in his eyes. "We sent Carlos to wake you up to see if you wanted to go to the beach with us today, but after what just happened, stay the hell away from Carlos and Logan. I'm not going to let you hurt them again."

James stormed out of the room, leaving Logan and Carlos with Kendall, who had tears streaming down his face now.

"Kendall." Logan said approaching his bed. "Carlos said you have been having nightmares? What are they about? Did something happen?" He asked concerned.

Kendall snapped his head up. "Would you two just get out of here and leave me alone?" He growled. Logan's last question got Kendall's heart racing. Logan couldn't know what happened. Not after all he had been through to keep his pain a secret.

Scared, Carlos ran out of the room followed by a sad Logan. Kendall could tell Logan was concerned about him. He loved that he had such great friends that cared but in this situation, he wished he didn't.

* * *

AN: So we're going to start getting into more drama soon. The next chapter is going to be exciting. Keep reading at let me know what you think! I know I don't respond to every review but thank you to everyone that does!


	10. Chapter 10

AN: So I've been super nervous about posting this chapter for a while. I'm not sure what you guys are going to think of it but here's where shit started to hit the fan (even more so than before). This chapter was literally the first thing I wrote and I've built the story around it so let me know what you guys think.

* * *

Chapter 10

As Kendall sat on the couch for what seemed like hours in complete silence, he felt life start to slip away from him. He was so far disconnected from his friends, he felt like he lost them completely. He couldn't concentrate on work at all. His passion and drive were gone, resulting in horrible recording sessions and dance practices. Jo was gone too now that he had pushed her away. Life didn't seem worth it. Placing a pillow next to him, he laid his head down on it and curled up on the couch, just wanting to die. On top of being depressed, he was hit with another round of stomach cramps. They had been happening frequently for a few weeks. He lay peacefully until he got a whiff of James Cuda spray that lingered on the pillow from their last pillow fight. Once the scent reached his nose, Kendall was sent flying to the bathroom, just making it in time to dry heave in the toilet. In his depressed state, eating had not been something Kendall felt like doing. He couldn't even recall the last time he ate a meal.

After throwing up what little he had left in his stomach, Kendall stood in front of the mirror to rinse the aftertaste out of his mouth. Looking in his reflection, he hated what he saw. Dark bags were under his eyes and his hair was matted against his head with sweat. He was skinny, too skinny. The lifeless look in his eyes reminded Kendall of him. The man that took everything from him. His whole life was ruined because of one sick person. Kendall didn't even see himself in the mirror anymore. The person he was before was gone, possibly forever.

Anger consumed Kendall and he raised his fist and punched the mirror as hard as he could. The glass shattered ruining his reflection. He couldn't stand even looking at himself anymore. He was worthless. Looking at the blood running down his fist made his stomach larch again, forcing Kendall to run to the toilet again and puke. When he was final done, Kendall sat on the ground and leaned up against the bathtub.

"On top of feel worthless and alone, I just have to be sick too. My life just blows." Kendall thought as waited out another stomach cramp. "God this has gone on forever. I can't possible be sick for this long."

It wasn't until the last thought crossed his mind that he started to put things together.

"No." Kendall whispered in a small voice as his jaw dropped. Shooting across the tiny room, Kendall slammed the medicine cabinet open and begin throwing the contents out until he found the small pink box he was looking for. Ripping the packaging open he quickly glanced over the directions.

For three agonizing minutes Kendall sat in the empty bathtub cradling his injured hand against his chest as he watched the clock tick away. When the three minutes were up Kendall jumped out of the tub and grabbed the stick off the counter. Horrified, he dropped the piece of plastic and backed up against the wall, the image of the plus sign on the screen burned into his mind. The test was positive.

He was pregnant.

"This can't be happening." Kendall thought on the verge of breaking down. His mind was so distorted and confused; he couldn't think straight. "I can't let this happen.

Throwing the door to the bathroom open Kendall opened every cabinet and every drawer, unable to remember where the objects he was looking for was. Throwing all the contents of the kitchen out onto the floor, Kendall became increasingly anxious. Throwing the last drawer open, a shining glimmer of metal caught his eye. Pulling out the largest knife he could find Kendall breathed in slow, rough sobs as he held the tip of the knife to the center of his stomach. Closing his eyes, he gripped the knife firmly with his shaking hands.

* * *

"Carlos, please wait till we get inside before you get the cookies out." Mrs. Knight said as she shooed Carlos away from the grocery bag she was holding. She had picked up the three boys from the beach and was now walking with them and Katie back to the apartment.

They had almost reached the apartment when they heard the load clatter coming from 2J. Thrusting the bag into Katie's arms, Mrs. Knight sprinted to the door and shoved the key in the lock. The rest of the group followed Mrs. Knight into the apartment.

"Kendall!" Mrs. Knight screamed when she saw the position her son was in.

Kendall snapped his eyes open when he heard his mother's scream. Before he knew it, he felt two pairs of hands gripping his biceps, trying to hold him back. He vaguely recognized Logan trying to wrestle the knife from his hand. Mrs. Knight put her hands on Kendall's face as his panic attack began to escalade.

"Kendall baby please." Mrs. Knight cried as Kendall hysterically tried to pull away from his friends. The group of four stood around Kendall trying to calm him down, failing to notice Kendall's 10 year old sister sitting against the wall behind the dinning room table. She had her arms wrapped around her legs as she sobbed hysterically into her knees. The bag of groceries had long since been abandoned on the ground, the gallon of milk spilling all over the floor. White liquid spilled across the floor of the apartment and flowed towards Katie as she watched helplessly as her brother, her rock, literally broke down in front of her. Her brother had always been the strong one, the one to keep the family together and to keep everyone positive when things got bad. To see him break down like he was shattered Katie's whole world.

"No. stop. Please. give it back." Kendall begged as Logan successfully removed the knife from Kendall's weak hands and had thrown it back in a drawer across the kitchen. "I need that. I need it. It needs to die. I can't…I can't do this. It needs to die. I can feel his inside of me. It's his." Breathing heavy, Kendall lifted his head up and made eye contact with his mother. "I wanna die." He sobbed.

Sobbing and shaking, Mrs. Knight torn her gaze away from her panicking son and looked at James and Carlos who were holding Kendall's arms, keeping him from collapsing. "We…we need to get him to the hospital." She said in a shaky voice, trying to be strong. "Now!"

"Come on buddy. Lets go." James said trying to get Kendall to stand upright.

"No stop please. Let go." Kendall screamed, now hysterical. "Let go. Let go. Let go. I can't… I can't do it. I…" He never finished his sentence. His legs gave out from under him and his eyes closed as he collapsed to the ground.

Mrs. Knight let out a sob as she watched her son fall to the floor. James checked over Kendall to make sure he was breathing and gently lifted Kendall off the ground bridal style. Carlos wrapped his arm around his best friend's mom and started towards the door with her.

Holding Kendall in his arms, James sucked in a nervous breath.

"What's wrong James?" Logan asked. Mrs. Knight and Carlos turned to see what was wrong.

"He-he doesn't weight anything. He's so light. He shouldn't be this skinny." James babbled nervously.

"Let's just go to the hospital James." Logan said noticing Katie still sobbing into her knees. "It's going to be ok, Katie." He said picking up the 10 year old and letting her sob into his shoulder as he followed the rest of the group to the car.

It was probably the quietest they had ever been as the 6 of them sat in the car on the way to the hospital, excluding the occasionally sob or sniffle. James sat with Kendall's head in his lap as Kendall remain unconscious the entire ride.

"What happened to you?" James whispered to his best friend.

* * *

AN: So...yeah. Sorry to those of you who wanted Kendall to tell his friends. It's never just that simply with me. Tell me what you guys think! I'm still nervous about this. I hope you guys still like the story. And don't worry, this story is FARRRR from over. I can't just torture someone once. I don't like to make things that easy.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Thank you all for the reviews! You guys are all wonderful. But I do need to say something. This is fiction. Anything is possible. I said from the beginning it was mpreg. In this world it is possible. Not extremely common, but possible. It's normal for this world. So... Yeah i get it that it's not possible but it's fiction. I hope you still read anyways.

* * *

Chapter 11

You know how when people are in a coma and they come back into consciousness, they always forget everything that happened? They're always like where am I? What happened? Why am I here? Kendall wished he could be like that. Instead every memory of all the horrible events that have happened over the past month haunted his nightmares and was fresh in his mind as he started to regain consciousness. He wished he didn't remember what had happened. He wished he didn't have a panic attack in front of his family. He wished he could go back and change everything. But he couldn't.

He knew he was in the hospital before he even opened his eyes. He could hear the heart monitor. The room reeked of ammonia. He wasn't surprised. After what had happened he didn't blame his mom for taking him there. As he struggled to come back to reality and hopefully out of this nightmare, he heard his mom's voice. "Come on, Kendall. I know you're waking up. Please open your eyes. For me." She whispered softly as she stroked his hand gently. He slowly opened my eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the bright lights. He stared at the white tiled ceiling for a few seconds before turning his head to look at Ms. Knight.

"Hi mom." He managed croak out quietly. His throat was dry and scratchy. Tears formed in his mom's eyes when she saw him opened his eyes. He went to lift his hand up to grab hers but he couldn't. Looking down he saw there were cuff around his wrists that were chained to the bed. Pulling his feet, he realized that they were stuck too. "Mom?" He whispered quietly as he tried not to cry.

"I sorry, baby." Ms. Knight whispered as the tears started to fall from her eyes. "They had to. I had to let them. I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk you hurting yourself or someone else again. After you kicked Dr. Middleton when you arrived, they were forced to restrain you." Ok so maybe he didn't remember everything because Kendall didn't recall the events arriving at the hospital at all. "I didn't want to but I couldn't see you try to hurt yourself again." She cried.

"Shh. It's alright." Kendall said reassuring his mother. "I get it. Now when…when will they take these off?" He asked nervously, trying to stay calm. He knew if he panicked they would keep them on but at the same time, being restrained was making him nervous. The flashbacks from the last night on tour were coming back to him. He hated be restrained. He felt the overwhelming urge to get away but he forced himself to remain calm.

Ms. Knight said pushing the call button to bring the doctor in. "Dr. Middleton needs to talk to you first and see how you're feeling." She wiped tears from her eyes and placed on hand on her sons, stroking if softly. "You scared me so much baby."

"I'm sorry mom." Kendall said starting to cry. "I'm so sorry. About everything."

A middle-aged man, who Kendall assumed was Dr. Middleton, entered the room, interrupting their conversation. "Can we have a minute Mrs. Knight?" He asked.

Mrs. Knight nodded and squeezed Kendall's hand. "I love you, baby."

"So Kendall, how are you feeling?" Dr. Middleton said sitting down in the chair that Mrs. Knight previously occupied.

"Not good. This medicine is making me tired." Kendall answered, avoiding the obvious answer the doctor was looking for.

Dr. Middleton asked Kendall multiple questions to get a feel of his mental state.

"What do you remember?" He asked.

Kendall sighed. "Everything."

"Even trying to kill yourself?" Dr. Middleton asked bluntly.

Kendall wanted to argue he tried to kill the baby that was inside of him but he knew deep down that wasn't the real reason he did it. So he simply nodded.

"Do you still want to kill yourself?" Dr. Middleton asked softly.

The man's words from the incident well over a month ago still haunted him. When he was awake and asleep, he couldn't get those words out of his head. He was breaking down piece by piece and he knew it. "Yes." Kendall croaked out. Hearing his mother start to cry again outside the door, he should've known she was still listening.

"Would you try again, given the chance?" He asked, scribbling notes on his paper.

Kendall shook his head. As distant as he had become from him family, he imagined what would happen if he lost one of them. He thought about what it would be like to them if he went through with it. And he couldn't do that to them. They meant too much to him. "No."

Closing his binder, the doctor stood up and started removing the cuffs from Kendall's arms and legs. Once Kendall was free, he opened the door and allowed Mrs. Knight to come back in. "The medication is working but he needs to stay on both the anit-depressants and the anti-anxiety medication until he is released." Dr. Middleton spoke to Mrs. Knight by the door across the room from where Kendall's bed was.

"Thank you doctor." Mrs. Knight said.

"One more thing." He said before leaving. "Until you get him professional counseling and he is deemed ok, he needs to be under suicide watch. Lock up all sharp objects and don't leave him alone at all. Even in the bathroom."

Mrs. Knight nodded and returned to her son's side as Dr. Middleton left the room.

"When can I go home?" Kendall asked now sitting up in the bed and fiddling with the edge of the scratchy blue blanket.

"Not for a little while, sweetie. You're too skinny. You haven't been eating enough. They need to make sure you're strong enough and that the baby…that you're ok." Mrs. Knight said, deciding to avoid the unspoken topic for the moment. She had just gotten her baby back, she didn't want another scare. "Baby, why haven't you been eating?"

"I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean for this to happen. When he…I…I feel worthless." Kendall said sobbing.

"Shhh. It's ok. Please just take this baby and get some rest." She handed him a cup with a pill in it. "It will help you sleep."

Kendall reluctantly took the pill and lay down, wiping his eyes. "But the guys…"

"I'll tell them you're awake and they will be here when you wake up ok?"

Kendall nodded drifting off to sleep.

* * *

AN: Uggg I don't like this chapter. It's too much of a filer and I'm not a psychologist so I don't really know how this stuff works. It'll get more exciting the next couple chapters.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Thank you everyone for the reviews! I love all of you!

* * *

Chapter 12

When Kendall started to regain consciousness, the first thing he heard was his friends fighting.

"James can we watch something else." He heard Carlos whine, the noise of the T.V in the background.

"No I wanna watch this." James argued.

"Guys, shut up. You're going to wake Kendall up." Logan hissed.

"Too late." Kendall said groggily, opening his eyes. Looking out the window, he saw it was morning, meaning he had slept the whole night through. That hadn't happened for him in a long time. "Hey guys." He said when he noticed everyone was now suddenly focused on him. Logan and James had looks of extreme concern while Carlos was entirely different.

"Kendall!" he shouted jumping on the bed and throwing his arms around his taller friend. "You're awake."

"Carlos." Kendall tried to say calmly, uncomfortable with being held so tight. "Let go."

But Carlos didn't hear. "We're so glad you're ok." He said excitedly.

"Carlos, Get off!" Kendall shouted loudly, beginning to panic.

James and Logan grabbed the excited boy and pulled him off the bed allowing Kendall to sit up.

"Kendall. I'm sorry." Carlos gapped, stunned. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." The short Latino slumped down onto a chair next to the bed.

Kendall gave him an apologetic look. "It's not your fault."

"How are you feeling?" Logan asked softly.

Kendall just shrugged.

The guys took this action as a sign to not pry anymore into Kendall's well being. They knew Kendall well enough to know that if he didn't want to talk, he wasn't gonna.

The four boys chatted about mindless topics for a while until Kendall's mom interrupted them.

"Boys." Mrs. Knight said peaking her head into the room. "You three need to go to school now."

The three friends said their goodbyes and left the room. Once they were gone Mrs. Knight sat in the chair next to Kendall's bed.

"The doctors told me what happened. They told me about the baby. They need to check on it." Mrs. Knight said quietly. "The nurse is coming in right now to take you to do an ultrasound."

Kendall just nodded and lay back down in the bed not saying a word.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." Mrs. Knight said softly stroking his hand.

Just like Mrs. Knight had said, the nurse came into the room a few minutes later with a wheelchair and took Kendall down the hall to the ultrasound room. Mrs. Knight quietly followed, keeping one hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry this is going to be a little cold." The nurse said lifting up Kendall shirt and squeezing blue gel onto his stomach. Kendall squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to think about what was happening. Having someone he didn't know touch him was far too uncomfortable for his liking. He was barley able to tolerate his family's well-meaning hugs after the incident that left him so scarred. He just wanted it to be over as the nurse rubbed the plastic stick over his stomach.

"There is your baby." The nurse said cheerily, getting Kendall's attention.

Kendall stared in awe as he saw the image she was pointing to on the screen. There is black and white, was the baby that was growing inside him. Kendall didn't understand why he had hated it so much. The little blob on the screen was so tiny and innocent it didn't even look like a person yet. How could something so little and wonderful come from such a horrible situation?

Kendall was still in a daze as the nurse cleaned off his stomach and brought him back to his room. His mom hadn't said a word the entire time, unsure of what to say. She knew her son would need some time to process what was happening so she stayed silent. When the got back to the room, Kendall immediately lay down in bed and shut his eyes.

"Kendall." His mom said, seriously. "I know when we found you in the apartment…you were…trying to kill the baby. Normally I'm totally against abortion. But considering the circumstances, if you chose to do that I would support you on it."

"I-I don't know." Kendall whispered.

It's alright. You have plenty of time to think. Don't make a decision now. Just know I love you." Mrs. Knight said kissing him on the forehead.

* * *

AN: Yeahh I don't have much to say about this. I need to write faster...  
Tell me what you think!


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Sorry this took so long. I'm not sure how I like this chapter.

* * *

Chapter 13

Kendall had been stuck in the hospital for days now and was going insane. He was stressed and uncomfortable with the amount of people poking at him everyday. He lost count of the number of doctor and nurses that were coming into his room everyday to check his temperature and weight and bring him food and ask him how he was feeling. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to anyone about his feelings. He already couldn't take his friends asking him how he was all the time. They acted like he was going to break at any second. They never verbally expressed concern but Kendall could tell they were worried. His mom was probably the worst out of all of them, though. She looked like she was going to cry at any second anytime she was around him. Katie didn't hang around the hospital a lot and Kendall didn't blame her. He really didn't want his sister involved in what was going on with him. He wanted to protect her from everything.

This particular morning Kendall had just got done with another therapy session. For the first few days he managed to eat a couple bites of food at every meal but he quickly reverted back to his old habits before he was admitted. The doctors were getting more and more worried about his too thin weight and the effect on the baby but Kendall's stubborn will outlasted them. He didn't want to eat and get better. He just wanted to be home. The doctors warned him about the negative effects this had on the baby and Kendall didn't know what to think about this. He didn't know yet if he loved his baby or not. Everytime he stared at the picture of the ultrasound he had hidden under his pillow he had an unexplainable feeling that he actually might care about the baby. But something held him back from truly admitting it.

His friends were at school at that moment so Kendall was bored out of him mind. It was still early in the morning, so Kendall knew his mom would be busy making sure everyone got to school before she came to visit him. He was playing cards with one of the nurses, because he couldn't be left alone, when there was a knock on the half opened door. Standing at the door was the last person Kendall expected to see. Gustavo stood in the doorway awkwardly with Kelly at his side.

"Come on." Kelly said dragging him into the room once Kendall acknowledged them.

"Well if you two are visiting and going to be here awhile, I'll go check on other patients. Just check in with me before you leave." The nurse told Kelly and Gustavo as she got up to left the room.

The two looked at Kendall confused at the nurse's comment.

"I'm on suicide watch." Kendall told them bluntly. "Apparently, I need to be babysat every second of everyday."

Kelly looked heart broken at Kendall's comment while Gustavo just stood awkwardly, unsure of what to say. Pulling up a chair next to Kendall's bed, Kelly sat down.

"How are you feeling?" Kelly asked, concerned.

"I'm alright I guess." Kendall said. "I just wish I could go home. I don't even know when I'm going to get out of here." He looked at Gustavo. "I'm sorry I'm ruining rehearsal."

Gustavo sighed. "As much as I don't show it, I care about you dogs." He said looking Kendall in the eyes. "and right now your health is more important than the band. So however many day, weeks, months it takes for you to be better, I'm putting the band on hold till then. So don't stress about it, you'll have a job when you're ready to come back."

"Thank you, Gustavo." Kendall said sincerely. "That really means a lot to me. I don't want the guys dream to be ruined just because I'm a mess."

"Well we should go." Kelly said. "Just rest and get better, ok? We are taking care of any press so they'll stay out of your way."

"Thank you." Kendall said softly, relived at how their visit went. That gave him one less thing for him to worry about.

As they began to leave, Kendall's mom arrived.

"It was so nice of you to stop by." Jennifer said hugging both of them. "Thank you for everything you've done for the boys."

Gustavo and Kelly said their goodbyes, leaving Kendall and his mom alone.

"You're leaving here tomorrow." Mrs. Knight said sitting down next to her son's bed.

"I get to go home?" Kendall asked hopeful. The look on him mom's face didn't give him the answer he wanted.

"You'll come home at night to sleep and eat dinner with us." Mrs. Knight explained.

"Where will I be the rest of the day?" Kendall asked frustrated.

"There is a treatment center outside of LA. You'll go there in the morning instead of school." Mrs. Knight told him. "You'll have a tutor there that will help you with your home work in between counseling sessions."

"Rehab?!" Kendall shouted. "Mom I'm not going to rehab. I don't need help. I'm fine."

"Kendall you do need help. You've barley eaten anything in days, you can't sleep without medication and you need to talk about what happened. I know you don't want to talk to me or the guys about it but talking to someone will help you."

Kendall stayed silent and stared at the wall instead of him mom.

"Please don't make force you. Please just go, ok?" Mrs. Knight asked. "I only want what's best for you. I want you to get better."

He still didn't say a word.

"It's not like I'm locking you up in there. You're only going to be there during the day. You'll come home at night back to the Palmwoods and be with your friends and your sister."

Still nothing from Kendall.

"She misses you, you know. She just wants you to be better."

That hit Kendall hard. He didn't want anyone else to be hurt just because he was. He knew he needed to get better, not for just himself but for him family too.

"Ok." Kendall finally agreed. "I'll go."

Mrs. Knight sighed in relief. "Thank you, sweetie. You know I love you, right?"

Kendall smiled softly at her. "I love you too."

* * *

AN: Sorry this took so long. I'll work on uploading faster. School started last week and I've been working nonstop so I've just been so busy. And also I'm not a doctor and I don't know what would happen if you were anorexic and pregnant soo...but this is my made-up world so anything can happen. So i don't really care how realistic it is sooo just go with it. I still don't really like this chapter. But whatever! Enjoy!


	14. Chapter 14

AN: SOrryyy I took so long. I've been so busy with school and I've been getting sick.

* * *

Chapter 14

It had been two weeks since Kendall was admitted in the treatment center. He was still stubborn as ever, refusing to open up. The nurses told Mrs. Knight he was getting better at eating. They informed her that he had been eating more and more of his meals everyday. She was proud of his progress but she knew it was going to be a tough road.

Entering the facility, Mrs. Knight checked in at the front desk with the receptionist.

"He's in his room when you're ready to go home." The woman behind the desk informed her.

"Thank you." Mrs. Knight said heading down the hall towards his room. They gave all the patients in the program a bedroom where they could relax in between sessions if they needed to even if they weren't staying there. It was normal for Mrs. Knight to find him in his room instead of one of the common areas when she came to pick him up. He would always sit alone on the edge of the bed lost in his thoughts until she came. Only today was different. When Mrs. Knight entered the room, she saw her son laying on the bed sobbing.

Mrs. Knight ran to his side and kneeled down next to him. "Kendall, baby, are you ok? What's wrong?" She asked franticly.

Kendall sat up and stopped crying. "I'm sorry mom. It's just been a long day."

"I know this is tough. You're being so strong." Ms. Knight kissed her son on the forehead. "I'm so proud of you baby."

"Are the guys at home?" Kendall said wiping tears out of his eyes. "I need to get this off my chest. I-I need to tell all of you what happened. And why I broke down like I did."

"If you're ready and that's what you want to do we are more than willing to listen." Ms. Knight said leading her son out of the treatment center.

When they got home, Carlos, James and Logan were already nervously waiting on the couch. They had been as supportive as they could through Kendall's whole ordeal but Kendall was stubborn. He wouldn't let them in and he acted like he didn't want or need their help. When Kendall sent a text saying he wanted to talk, the three friends were more than ready to listen. 30 minutes after they received the text from Kendall saying he wanted to talk, he came walking in the door with his mother's arm around him. They could tell he had been crying. Sitting down on the couch across from them Kendall awkwardly looked at his hands while his mother rubbed his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for my behavior. And that I pushed you guys away. I should've told you what happened instead of letting everything get bottled up until I finally broke." Kendall started.

There were a few moments of silence before Carlos finally spoke up. "What happened?" He asked in a small voice.

Kendall sighed. "It was the last night of tour." Kendall began to tell the group who was listening intently. Even his mother who knew more about his condition then the other boys still didn't know the events that took place. Kendall had to talk to the police when in the hospital so they could begin an investigation but he refused to talk to his family. "I went out to the bus to talk to Jo. When I tried to leave one of the venue security guards forced me in to the back lounge. He-I….He raped me." Kendall finally spit out.

No one said a word. The only sound that was heard in the apartment was crying, including from the balcony above.

"Katie." Mrs. Knight sighed, unaware that her younger daughter was in the apartment and listening. She was doing her best to shield Katie from all of the bad stuff but she knew she couldn't hide everything from Katie. Leaving the couch, she ran upstairs to try to calm her daughter down. Mrs. Knight arrived back downstairs moments later with her crying daughter in her arms.

"Kendall…" James started to say, his heart breaking at the pain his friend has been through.

"That's not all." Kendall interrupted him, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a piece of paper. Setting the picture on the table in front of his friends, they stared at it confused. "I'm pregnant."

Everyone was nearly sobbing now; even Mrs. Knight who was trying to be strong for her kids. Katie pushed away from her mother and ran over to Kendall. Jumping onto the couch next to him and threw her arms around him, crying into his shoulder. Kendall put one arm around his sister and pulled her close.

"So what are you going to do?" Logan asked softly.

Kendall sighed and closed his eyes. "I can't kill it." He looked up to see everyone staring confused at his answer. "But I can't keep it ether. I've been thinking hard about this for a long time and it…the baby… it didn't do anything to deserve that. I can't just kill it. I would be no better then…him." Kendall managed to choke out. Everyone stayed quiet to let him finish saying what was on his mind. "But at the same time, I'm too young to have a baby and I'm alone and I don't know anything about kids. It's not that I don't care about it. It's just that I don't know if after everything that has happened, I could look at it everyday and still give it the love it deserves."

"Have you considered adoption?" Mrs. Knight asked sitting next to her son. Katie had moved from next to her brother to in between Logan and Carlos, cuddling with them. James sat at the end on the couch, staring at the floor.

Kendall thought for a second and then nodded. "I think…that's what I want to do. Nothing else feels right."

Mrs. Knight kissed him on the head. "I'm so proud of you baby for making such grown-up choices and being so brave. Now it's almost dinner time. Is there anything you want?"

"I'm not hungry" Kendall said shaking his head. "But the baby really wants pizza." He chuckled giving his mom a begging look.

"Anything you want, baby. I'll go call for delivery." His mom said getting off the couch.

"Thank you." Kendall said. "Today has been really tiring. I'm going to go lay down for a while."

"Ok baby. I'll wake you when the food is here." Mrs. Knight said dialing the number to the pizza place.

30 mins later the Big Time Rush family was seated at the kitchen table enjoying their dinner. Kendall was happy he was overcoming his anorexic mindset and was able to eat with his family. The 6 of them were chatting happily and laughing, the mood in the apartment had increase drastically. Well everyone except for one person…

"James what's wrong?" Logan asked. Logan was the first one to notice the taller boy hadn't said a word the entire meal, his food sat untouched on his plate in front of him.

James was staring at the wall intensely, his arms folded across his chest. Logan's questions broke him out of his staring contest with the wall. "What?"

"Are you ok? You haven't said anything the entire time I've been home and you haven't touched your food." Kendall questioned. "You're starting to act like me." Kendall joked dryly.

James shook his head, upset. "Don't even joke about that, Kendall. It's not even funny… I can't… I'm so sorry Kendall." The other boys were shocked as James put his head in his hands. "If it weren't for me, none of this would've happened. You needed us and I pushed you away. I can't believe I didn't see this."

"James." Kendall sighed. "I didn't help the situation at all by pushing everyone away. I was worse to anyone than you ever were to me."

"Don't even blame yourself for this." James said sternly raising his voice. "You needed us and I pushed you away. I was terrible to you and I couldn't even see you were hurt until you broke down."

"I shut you out. I didn't tell you what happened. It's my fault. Everything is. If I wasn't so weak, none of this would've never happen. All of it is my fault. I'm worthless." Kendall shouted angrily.

"You're not worthless Kendall." James sighed. "I'm sorry Kendall. I'm so sorry. I'm never going to be able to take back what I did but I'm here for you. We all are."

"Kendall nothing is your fault. We need you to trust us when we say we love you and we'll do anything for you." Logan said.

"Boys I know you all feel guilt but blaming yourselves isn't going to help." Ms. Knight looked at Kendall. "This includes you."

The three other boys nodded in agreement but Kendall still didn't believe what they had said.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: SOrry this took so long! I've kind of lost my inspiration a little bit but I'm getting back into it. I didn't realize what a sad excuse for a chapter this was. The next one will be better.

* * *

Chapter 15

Kendall took a deep breath and opened the door to Gustavo's office. Once inside, he saw Gustavo sitting at his desk looking over papers and Kelly hovering over him. When they heard him, they looked up.

"Hey Kendall." Kelly smiled softly. "Your mom said you wanted to talk."

As he stood in front of Gustavo's desk, Kendall felt like he was in elementary school again. Only this time, he wasn't just coming up with some excuse to get himself out of trouble.

"I just needed to tell you guys what's been going on with me. I figured you deserved to know." He said, his voice shaking slightly.

"Come on. Let's sit." Kelly ushered Kendall to the couch and Gustavo got up from his desk and sat down on the chair next to it, not saying a word.

"How are you?" Kelly asked rubbing his leg. She needed to something to break the silence.

Kendall sighed. "As good as one can be when they're pregnant and in rehab."

Kelly looked shocked and Gustavo just stared confused.

The two sat silently as Kendall awkwardly explain his situation while nervously fiddling with his clothing. Not once during his rant did he ever look up at Gustavo or Kelly. He kept his eyes fixed on his lap and spewed out everything he needed to say.

"Kendall…" Kelly said heartbroken once Kendall had finished his story. "I can't believe this. Why would anyone do this to you? I'm so sorry sweetie." She pulled him into a big hug as tears streamed down her face.

Why? Why Kendall? He was the hardest working, sweetest, caring boy she know and absolutely undeserving of this. It broke her heart to see him so broken and hurt. She could tell by the look in his eyes he was trying his hardest to stay strong, not just for himself but for everyone around him.

"What ever you need were here for you. Anything at all." Kelly assured him. Kendall gave a small smile and nodded. "Right Gustavo?"

Kendall and Kelly looked up at Gustavo to see he had a stiff look plastered on his face, his eyes fixed on the ground. Without saying a word, he stood up and turned away from the two sitting. Angrily, he violently grabbed his computer screen and pushed it off the end of the desk bringing everything else with it. He slammed his hands down on the desk. Shocked by his outburst, Kelly jumped off the couch and placed a hand on Gustavo's back.

"What on earth is wrong?" She asked worried.

"I don't believe this." Gustavo turned around to face Kendall and leaned up against the desk. "Kendall. I'm so sorry. It was my responsibility to make sure you boys are safe and I failed. I can't believe I let this happen. I promise you I will do whatever it takes to find out who did this and make sure they pay for it." Gustavo said sincerely. He looked like he had tears in his eyes. This surprised Kendall because he wasn't even sure Gustavo could cry.

"I need you to do one more thing for me." Kendall said after silently accepting Gustavo's apology. "I don't want anyone at all to find out about this. The band doesn't need this and I don't want the guys to be sucked into more of this mess because of the media. Can you please make sure that doesn't happen?"

"Of course." Kelly said right away and Gustavo nodded in agreement.

"Whatever you choose to do, whether you want to continue with the band or not, it's open to you guys." Gustavo said.

"Thank you." Kendall said "That really means I lot to me."

* * *

AN: So things have been too happy lately. Don't worry that will change soon.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: SORRRYY this is taking so long. I've been so busy latley and kinda lost my inspiration but I'm working on it. Sooo as I promised (I think) more angst int his chapter. Kinda of. It's kind of just a filer chapter...or it it?

* * *

Chapter 16

It was a regular sunny afternoon when it happened. His worst nightmare. James, Logan and Carlos managed to drag Kendall out of the apartment. Kendall had barley left the crib since they got back from tour over 3 months ago.

"Guys come on. I don't want to. I'm tired and I'm getting fat…" Kendall moaned, not wanting to move from the couch. His three best friends in front of him had different ideas.

"Come on. You're not crippled or diseased. You can come outside and hang out at the pool for a little while." Logan said.

"Kendall, go. The fresh air will be good for you. You've been cooped up in here for too long." Kendall's mom insisted from the kitchen.

"Fine. Fine." Kendall mumbled getting up from the couch. "But I'm not going in. I don't want to take my shirt off."

In the end, Kendall was glad his friends dragged him out of the house. It was sunny outside, the weather was beautiful. He had to admit he had a good time just hanging out, playing his guitar. Katie joined them for a little while and sat with Kendall as they cheered Logan, James and Carlos on in their game of pool volleyball. As the afternoon wore on, Kendall grew tired and was getting hungry.

"This was fun but I think I'm going to head upstairs. I'm getting tired." Kendall told his friends.

James was lounging on the chair next to him. "Ok see you at the Crib."

"Ask you're mom if she'll order pizza for dinner!" Carlos shouted after Kendall, trying not to fall off his inflatable raft into the pool.

Kendall laughed as he tried to open the door to the lobby. Only it was stuck. "That's weird. It's never locked." After a few hard tugs the door flew open, a gust of wind bursting out of the building.

"That was weird." Kendall mumbled to himself entering the lobby. For an afternoon, He found it to be strangely empty. "Where is everyone?"

He turned back to the pool only to see James wasn't on the lounge chair anymore. The pool looked just as empty too. In fact everyone had vanished from the pool.

"Where did they all go?" Kendall wondered, the absence of people concerning him. "And when did the sun go down?" Kendall was losing his mind because suddenly the sun wasn't shinning and night had fallen upon the Palmwoods.

Once the lights began to flicker in the lobby, Kendall took that at his cue to run. He was only a few steps from the elevator when someone stepped in front of him, cutting off his path.

"Good to see you again Blondie."

Kendall's heart stopped and he stumbled backwards into the wall.

"I've missed you." The man said pushing Kendall against the wall.

Kendall screamed in terror and shot up in bed. Through the darkness he could see a figure sitting on his bed. Panicking, he backed up into the wall, desperate to get away from the mysterious person.

"Kendall. It's ok. It's Logan. You're in your room. Carlos and James are here too. No one's going to hurt you. It's just us." Logan said softly.

Kendall relaxed at the sound of his friend's voice.

"You ok?" Logan asked as James turned on the lamp next to the bed. Once again, he was met by the concerned faces of his three friends.

Kendall nodded his head and sat up. "I'm good."

"You didn't sound good." Logan observed. "You were screaming. It took us almost five minutes to wake you up."

"Just a nightmare. It's fine." Kendall insisted. "At least I didn't hit anyone this time." He gave a small laugh at his joke. Only his friends didn't find it as funny as he did. "I didn't hit anyone did I?" He asked nervously.

"No you didn't hit anyone." James told him. "But we're worried about you."

"Really it was just a dream. Can we all just go back to sleep?" He asked. His friends finally agreed and headed off to their respective beds. Kendall lay back down as Carlos turned of the light. He tired to convince himself that his dream was just that; a dream. But for some reason, as he shut his eyes again, it felt like so much more.

* * *

AN: Foreshadowing? Maybe? We'll see! Yeah kinda short. SOrry. I'll try to update faster next time. I hope...


	17. Chapter 17

AN:Soooo Sorry I've been failing at this lately. I'm pretty sure that Thanksgiving break was the last time I updated. I had like terrible writers block and then once I almost got through it, I realized I wanted to add in an extra like 6 chapters first. More like 10 but whatever. I do plan on finishing this story and I know where I'm going from here so I hope I will be updating faster than this! Thank you too all who reviewed and messaged me. Sorry if I didn't reply.

* * *

Chapter 17

"Come on James, please." Kendall heard Carlos beg as he walked down stairs one morning.

"Carlos. No. We can't go." James said quickly, trying to shut Carlos up.

"Where can't you go?" Kendall asked surprising the three boys standing in the living room.

"Nothing." Logan said quickly. "We're not going anywhere."

"I wanna go play hockey!" Carlos finally shouted, unable to contain his eagerness.

"Carlos shut up." James warned, slapping the back of Carlos's head.

Kendall sighed. In all his drama, he had forgotten about his friend's wellbeing. They had been there for him ever since they found out what had happened. They stayed with had waited for him to get out of therapy everyday and stayed with him in the apartment on the weekends when he didn't feel good and didn't want to go out.

"Let's go then." Kendall shrugged.

"Where?" Logan asked confused.

"The hockey rink." Kendall said in a duh voice.

"Absolutly not Kendall." Mrs. Knight said entering the room and putting down the basket of laundry she was carrying on the table. "You're not playing hockey. Not in the state you're in right now. I've seen how you boys play. If you get hurt, it could hurt not only the baby but you along with it. You're not taking that chance."

"I know mom." Kendall said sadly. "I'm not saying I'm going to play because I won't. I just want to go watch the guys. They want to go, so It might be good to get out of the house for a while."

His mom studied the look on his face she could tell he was upset about being restricted from doing what he loved but she was proud how he was being to responsible.

"Are you sure you would be ok with just watching us?" James asked cautiously. "I mean we can do something else…"

"No." Kendall said. "I've been missing the rink. I at least want to go chill there even if I can't play."

"Let's go then!" Carlos shouted excitedly. A few minutes later the three boys had collected their gear and met up with Kendall who was waiting downstairs.

"Hey mom gave us the keys. Let's go." Kendall said waiting by the front door, keys in hand. Despite the fact it was almost 90 degrees outside in Los Angeles, his friends didn't comment on the fact he was wearing an oversized baggy hoody.

Logan carefully studied Kendall's attitude as he drove the group to the rink. In all honesty, Logan was surprised Kendall ever willingly agreed to leave the apartment. Logan knew the hoody was an attempt to prevent people from finding out about his condition. Kendall was so desperate to keep it a secret he refused to leave the house other than his weekly therapy sessions. He stopped going to school that semester, resorting to tutoring by Kelly. Even leaving the apartment to get to the car, Kendall avoided the lobby at all costs, taking the back stairs down to the parking lot. So why he choose today to leave the apartment was beyond Logan.

When they arrived at the rink, James and Carlos burst out of the var and bound up the steps to the rink. Kendall was slower to react, making sure the car was in park and properly turned off.

"You ok Kendall?" Logan asked from the passenger seat as he watch his friend quietly remain in the driver seat not making an effort to leave the vehicle. "You don't have to do this you know."

"But I want to." Kendall said, snapping his head up. "I know things have been different lately. But I want to get things back to the way they were. Just the four of us. Together. Brothers of the ice. Brothers we can tell anything to. I just miss that all so much. I want to try to get things back they way they were. I'm hoping this could be a start." He told Logan. "Besides, whenever anything went wrong, the hockey rink always was the first place I turned. I don't feel like this is any different now."

Logan stayed quiet for a moment. "I'm really proud of you Kendall. You're a stronger person then I could ever be. And you know nothings changed. We are always going to be brothers. No matter what."

Kendall smiled. "I know. Now lets go before Carlos and James get themselves hurt."

* * *

AN: Blahh sorry this was so short. i really just wanted to give you guys something. Take it as an apology for having to wait so long. There was supposed to be so much more going on in the chapter but I guess were saving it for the next chapter? It will be up soon I hope.


End file.
